Right here in “safe” Appleton, Wisconsin, I was victimized today by a bold gang who robbed me right on my doorstep. Beware, you could be next. I should have noticed the bright gang colors as they approached: blue and yellow shirts, baseball caps, with bright bandannas around their necks. There were two main perpetrators, relatively short white males, about 3 foot four, no visible scars or tattoos, and there was an accomplice nearby, an older white male who pulled the red getaway wagon. This dreaded local “Cub” gang held me at smilepoint until I agree to fork over $20 for a 1-pound bag of toffee popcorn. Thank goodness I didn’t have a lot of cash with me, or it could have been much worse. I might be wolfing down two bags instead of just one.

Don’t waste your time calling the police when these gangs come after you–turns out quite a few police have sons who are tied to these groups. Some even help them out during so-called “fundraising drives.” The only thing you can do to protect yourself is to be prepared: remember, no matter what they say, don’t look at those eyes and especially not at those smiles. It’s kind of like a reverse Gorgon effect: one look and your stone cold heart will turn all soft on you and have you handing out your hard-earned money to fundraising gangsters. Be prepared!